Her first love came and went. It came with all those perfect little moments. But every single happiness that comes is ultimately get followed by heartbreak. The thing with memories is-it is what she perceives them as. They are influenced so much. The same memories that made her a puddle of smiles and gave her butterflies are the ones that make her cry now. How most moments and memories can be changed with sad truths. Maybe all the new information she is getting now is also a lie. But her poor broken heart always decides to go break itself again. It will believe anything that will make it hurt more. All those little butterfly moments feel like a lie. she wonders if he loved her or if it was all in her head? she wonders if she can go back and change herself and if he will love her if he didn't. Her mind thinks about what the worth of it all is. She wonders if he did love her, then why did he say those words to his best bro? His best friend turns out to be her friend with no capacity to put a stop to his words. His best bro told her about so many truths. She believes his words because she has no counter or faith to argue or defend. This incident makes her think how fickle her memories are. How biased they are and how easily they change themselves. If memories are the prime things that build you are this abstract. Then what does one believe in?
Her first love did indeed teach her a lot. You learn about yourself with every connection with other humans and activities. By playing the piano, she learnt to be able to try and fail repeatedly and still love it. Books teach her about different pov and situations. She gets to know her best friend about her expressions. Her teachers teach her that she does indeed love to study and learn. Her family tells her that she loves getting pampered. And her first lover made her know- she is possessive, needy and jealous. Thanks to this, she got to know herself. And that is all there is to an event in life- to discover oneself.
When she thinks about those months, they feel like an illusion crafted by her romantic head, which falls for the bare minimum. It's such a shame humans can't read minds or even the real feelings of someone. That makes life unnecessarily difficult. Why didn't the one who crafted our evolution not pause and think? Think that finding the truth is hard and believing in lies is easy. How do people survive and blindly trust the words of others even if they are backed by actions? How do they age and not go mad with all the lies and deception? How to know lies and truth? How to grow up from being this hurt and not succumb to it? All these questions swimming in her head are endless. If anyone sits with her to hear all her questions would end up having an existential crisis and die for the simple answers. There is hope in her that she will get answers to all of these questions. She knows she needs to grow but is lost in the how.
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