Disclaimer: The post contains a topic of self-harm; the reader's discretion is advised.
In a glamorous world, only a few dare to show their scars. She was hurt and tired. She is tired of choosing a healthy way to cope. Her hands bore the marks of her anxiety. It is a sad truth that your bad habits can come out at any time and spook you and that sometimes they come out stronger. Except for silence and disassociation, she kept the worst one at bay with all her self-love. But sometimes self-love is not enough. When her chest feels too heavy to breathe, and everyone around her feels like a noise, she gets trapped in her mind with nowhere to go. She and the pain alone are trapped. There are ways out of this prison healthily, but they are slow, and she doesn’t have time. In this phase, she worries about others noticing and doesn’t like that. The fast way is often the unhealthy way. She lets her teeth sink into her hand, knowing no one is staring at her like before and that she won’t get caught. No one will know what happened except the little, loving girl inside her in tears. The marks on her hands fade away, but the stings remain. The sting burning on her hand makes her calm. It’s like a drug she is getting addicted to. She is slowly not getting bothered. So, what if it's not good to do it when it helps? Bitting prevents her from going silent. She is a bother to her friends with this constant pain. Why should they deal with her moods? They deserve a happier, bubblier friend that they know, not this. She is unfair to think so lowly of friends and assume they only like her lovable self. But they have so much on their plates; why add hers? It's better to go with the flow and hide away, hoping it goes away.
She has been in this place before. She knows it will be okay. It is her faith in herself to heal that she chooses to stay and wait despite the high chance of getting hurt. It is her best and worst feature. She wishes that sometimes she focuses on the reasons to leave another person. Especially when the other person, having a bazillion reasons to stay, chooses to leave. In these experiences, she is surprised at her extent of maturity, which makes her happy to be herself. She knows that she can hurt the person back, and it would be an eye for an eye. But then she knows how much effort goes into building yourself back up and healing. It takes a lot of energy to leave the dark place, and she refuses to hurt someone. She is surprised by this mindset to not lash out in pain but distance herself. It's a hard choice, but she knows her capacity to hurt the person she dearly cares about. So, she refuses to talk to him. It is better to stay away than risk hurting him. In doing so, she also heals herself. With her bad habit, she knows it will go away after a while on its own, hopefully, and she just tries not to overdo it. Not more than three bites—three is enough to make the anxiety in her chest fade and make her smile like herself.
It is surprising how much you learn about other's scars when you learn to share your own. She shows marks to a few, and in return, they reveal theirs. Humans are so fragile that they should get rolled in a blanket. But again, she is proving that she is right to have faith in her healing because she slowly finds her rose-tinted glasses again. The cats look adorable, words are flowing from her hands, and the bitten hands are playing music (this looks beautiful—like bleeding hands playing the piano and blood drops falling on the pristine white keys, staining them forever, making it a memoir of pain, art, love, and music), the rain feels refreshing, and people are more bearable. After the whirlwind of months, she is cradling her worst self to her lovable self. After all, who wants to be there for a girl with bitten hands and a zoned-out mind in this world of glamour?
Author Note- *she* is a character from a book :)
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