How much has our relationship is changed? From knowing all about your day, I only have these little pockets of information. At some time, I had the privilege of every thought passing through your head. Now I treasure what I get. It is like a person unknown of their thirst, savouring the water. Even after trying to stay away, my mind ends where your name is. My thoughts pass your name far more than I would like them to be there. It sneaks with every other thought, and I need a better security system. As I indulge my mind more, beyond all the pain and anger, the underlying emotion is always sadness. When you strip those secondary emotions, I realize that all I am is a mellow sadness. The extra time in my day, which was once yours, is filled with mindless actions. The inside jokes are now deemed unusable. How there is so much, I would say, but no have lost the language. It is also not good to try to find that lost language. But how do you let a language you love die? The sadness of losing what we were and the bitter truth that whatever happens will still not be enough to take us back to those days. Also, knowing that, after all the trying, it turned into my least favourable outcome. It's a different sadness of failing a paper you studied with heart and dedication. From those late nights to busy afternoons. The endless questions floated in me. Will the questions fly out of me and leave? Neither do they pay rent for the space in my head nor you. My lovely rent-free name, when will you vacant my mind? The slow transition from smiling giddily to a sad one to finally a confused one. I wonder if I pop into your head? If you have things to tell and can't? Would you still make all those decisions the same way? Though answers to these won't make a difference now. I think no answer will change the situation. It is out of my hands, after all. And if it's out of my hand, it deserves to be out of my mind too. It's good that I can write and let it out. Otherwise, the suffocation would choke me. It's like drowning in one go and then learning to swim away. As I drown deeper, the emotional mess gets untangled. I am slowly learning how to swim away. When I am tired of learning to swim, my books encourage me. This book quote- "you don't have to understand life. You just have to live it." It comforts me that I no longer need to understand your thoughts or anyone else. But I do have to live it through and swim away from you. Do a flip and keep swimming in a new direction.
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