With February being a month of red scars, let March be a month of gentle rain on my skin. I finally managed to cut my nails, which had hopelessly left marks on my skin in anger. When they dug deep into my palm in anxiety, I could see the little red lines left in their wake. Who do I have to apologise to other than myself? I felt hungry but didn't eat yet to see how long I could go. The skipped meals and excessive sleep helped me escape. So I have only one request for March. Please be gentle. After taking one whole day to apologise to my body, I made a pact that I hope to keep. I made a pact to use my patience not on a guy but on finding that person. I will learn to wait for the one who naturally knows my way and whose way I know. I don't know if you exist, but I hope you do. I don't know your name or you yet, but I will wait to get to know you. I no longer want the high love that leaves me tethered but a calm that makes me purr in contentment and sleep. It's not that love is troublesome, but it takes me away. It's another memory- to kiss hurriedly in elevators and empty classrooms, to receive flowers on a date and blush. The flowers from the white bouquet are forever part of my precious collection of pressed flowers. The person silently sleeping on call for the whole night wakes up and sees a call time of 8 plus hours. No, it was not bad, but it really wasn't to stay, sadly. So with this pact, I refuse this high love, not out of spite but because I want more. I will learn to wait for someone who is really sure of me. The one who collects a wildflower and brings it to me takes pictures of clouds to show me. I want that calm love where I think of holding your hand only to see you already in mine. The playful meanness and keeping things high for me to not reach and climb you. Someone who understands that a pattern change will give me anxiety and knows how to calm me. I want you to understand the weight of my "I love you" and "I like you." To know that I mean it when I say I'll swim the ocean to find you pearls until the time you don't make me cry as much as an ocean. The current norm will disagree, but the old poets and artists will agree when I say, "I'd rather lose myself than see you lose yourself in front of me." Don't worry if you are broken. I'll hug those pieces as gently as I know. When I think of the things I want to do, like dance and kiss in the rain, go on a drive, make out in a car, cuddle and sleep, make pizza together, paint and craft. There is so much to do. I will wait to do it first and last with you now. You, whom I wish I could find fast, or find me fast because I have a habit of breaking pacts. Yes, I think a gentle love that slowly creeps into my life will be best. Until then, I'll keep working and growing. I hope you see me as I see myself, if not more. Someone simple, pretty girl who is unafraid to be herself around anyone, with her own flaws that are a work in progress. Someone who doesn't desire the entire world but the ocean of stars. A girl who doesn't have big dreams but loves to hop between small ones. She is lost in her head and still discovering herself. I love this girl and have faith in her.
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