You know it's happening again when she stares at an empty document for an hour, finding words. The lost feeling clenches her chest like a tight knot. She must first lose interest and wither in self-destruction before she decides to help herself. She lets herself fall without a cushion to break it. It is a different feeling to lie on a chill floor, struggling to breathe through her thoughts. Thoughts getting slammed into each other, images of the past with the future. She can't cry because she has no tears left. She had cried so loudly earlier that even her mother got concerned and tried to console her. She broke into her best friend on her phone. Her best friend has heard her cry multiple times earlier. She wishes nothing but for her friend to be okay. She cried at college for the first time among so many people. Her mask fell that day, and her bottled tears flowed. She is glad her face was hidden behind her friend's shoulder in the washroom as she cried for half an hour. She knows she must fall hard before she can be herself again. She first has to go through the cycle of a tightened chest, panic breaths, red marks on her skin, and constant loss of appetite and sleep. She gently cradles her sad soul and lets it feel the pain. Though she hopes her falling soul doesn't break below the reach of her happy personality, she takes care. She loses parts of herself often, but she goes and collects them. This time, she questions if it is worth collecting. She is doubtful she will go and collect these broken pieces, only for them to lose again. Why will she even try? She wants to numb her thoughts so they will get quiet. After a long time, her heart begs her brain again, "Please love me more than the misery." The heart pleads for peace and silence on the above floor. Unlike the last time she asked this, her heart changed too. She can feel those barriers now. There are small barriers to herself for the first time. These make her feel alone in a room full of people, but it's time. It's time to swim in frozen waters to freeze her heart. It's time that she hides herself to protect it and not fall in leaps of faith.
Author's Note- Mental health is important and your mindset towards life can change your situations. With this note, do read and comment on my latest book review of Its All Mental.
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