Will we get the same pit of guilt if either of us dies? A screaming voice blaming us for our uncontrolled thoughts. The way you curse me death every time I become an annoying human. The way I borrow grief from your death in future, along with the freedom. How we both are trapped in the world of death.
You say it in a moment of anger and I feel it in the moments of silence. I wish to be a better daughter, so you don't say it often. Cause I cry every time I think of you in this guilt. How someday in a crazy what if, your words are the last thing I hear. I will be gone as you wished, but you will carry those words as a bleeding wound.
I try my best to not think of you cold, but my mind hates me too. As we grow closer, the borrowed grief is more than the feeling of freedom. How someday in a crazy what if, these thoughts are the last thing. You will be gone as my thoughts, but I will be crushed in its weight.
The way I keep busy is to forget my thoughts and avoid your words. You probably don't remember that you once screamed to my face- how it would have been better if I was put in a gutter after being born. This side of me would love nothing but to sign a dnr and be reckless with life. But in the end, gotta heal, be good and busy to protect us both.
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