It only takes a few seconds for a person to change and the mood to go dark. One memory popping in your head has so much control over your mood. Without meditation or control, her mind zones out during classes to his smile, kisses, and their conversations. She remembers what it was like to run up to him and kiss him as she wanted. Her phone was never silent because she never wanted to miss his texts- The deep conservations and playful flirtations. Somewhere in the chest, an ache starts to form and pain her. She smiles at those flashbacks, but they taste bitterness in her mouth. After the moment of happy flashbacks, her reality comes back. It hurts her not to be the reason for those smiles. She wished to be his smile and comfort on blue days. He lost the girl who would listen to him saying anything random or his deepest secret without fail. She wanted to go out of her way to see him smile and laugh. She goes down the rabbit hole to all her favourite memories of them - they talked for hours without getting tired or bored. On their first date, she never stops holding his hand. She initially thought she was overbearing with handholding because she was the first to reach his hand. But later she realises, that even though it was her to hold his hand first, he never let hers go. He held tight and didn't release the hold. Then like all other memory trips, she remembered what it felt like to be desperate when he decided to ignore her or was too busy. It felt too much when she asked him to love her properly like before. She would feel every change in their relationship and grieve over it.
After a month since the end, she waits for her feelings to make sense and her longing pays off. While wanting herself to let him go, she is growing and breaking. Her heart wants to kiss him again and giggle when hair comes in between. Every moment that gave her butterflies. She wants it back. She does her best to like someone else and crush on them, but she fails to. She cannot least for now like someone else when she is in love with her ex. She is crying to sleep and sometimes smiling because of the memories. She knows that she will always have a soft spot for him. She has loved him honestly with her heart and loving him made her incapable of hurting him. Though, for once, choosing to love herself she decides not to ever act on that love. Her mind wants to believe that she will get someone else and all of it to make sense, to be able to look back and not wish for change.
The girl's day gets on a high with a small gesture or event like the poem by Robert Frost-’ Dust of Snow’. In this poem, the poet having a difficult day is sitting under a tree. A crow comes and shakes the snow from the branches. This small event makes the poet forget about his sad day and smile again. She can't relate to anything more. The smallest actions and events save her day from the gloom. She focuses on those small moments. No one should underestimate the significance of trivial things. When she notices them, she is glad to be there in her life even without him to relay her stories. Awaiting her next adventure, she works on how she wants to be. She envisions herself as the person who looks to the night sky and identifies constellations, to know the stories behind them. To learn the history behind those stars. She wants to look at paintings and appreciate them. See flowers and know their names and meanings. And to hear the music pieces and identify the artist. She wants to have that aesthetic romanticised life. She plans to show up as this girl every day before she becomes her in the end.
Writer's Note- this old longing comes and goes in waves and so does my procrastination. Finally, I fixed its grammar to post after so long.
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