Imagine waking up with no memories but healthy. The classical movie trope of losing memories during surgery to save your life. Unfortunately, the origin is not in fairytales but is in reality, mixed with fiction. I thought hard about this choice and how everyone concentrates on forgetting the big things. The more I thought, the more I placed myself in her role and my choice became clearer.
I know the people I love and who love me back will come back to me. I will never lose the big things of my life. Despite no memory, I will still be home and sleep on my bed. The people who love me will continue to treat me with love, and I will end up loving them back. But what about my small things? Everyone will tell me the important events relating to my life, but not the tiny details. The small things that make me feel like myself. The details about me that I adore. I live in the secret parts of me. No one will bother describing my smile on watching laughing yoga or the glow in my eyes on seeing egginudes. I will never remember how he melted on our first kiss, and his knees gave up. The way I had to support him and make him sit. I didn’t melt, but I always wondered why he did. I did melt in future while even talking to another, and I understood. I will forget how I start any new notebook from the back because I want the first page to be perfect. There is an unending list like this that I can’t leave behind to live. One can argue that bad memories get clear as well. But as I grow, time scrubs them for me. All that is left of them are the small notes in my rose cup in between my books. The petals mask their sad smell and ugly appearance. The dried petals remind me of the time passed and hide away all the pain. The softness when I dip my hand to fish the pain out makes it easier to deal with.
All of these habits and memories will be lost forever if I choose that, and I refuse this. It took 20 years to learn to love myself. Now that I love her, I never want to lose this. It won’t be the same if I make it to the next year and not see the first sunrise like I always do because I forgot. My birthday will be incomplete without my secret wish to the stars, as Tanabata is also that day. A secret wish unknown to everyone, so who will tell me about my wish? So, between the choice of death or losing memories to live, I will selfishly choose to see how cold the hands are of death and give them warmth.
Writer’s Note- I really should avoid sad shows and movies, considering how easily I cry. But at least something pretty comes out of the spiral in my head. Also, touch wood that this is all just thoughts and not reality. But I can’t help but brawl for this is a reality for few. Also totally ignoring the fact that people get sad if choose that, so as in the economics model, I'm gonna take the assumption that they will find healthy ways of grieve.
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