I sat still like a statue. Everything felt disoriented, all of my emotions, all of my words, all of my heartfelt emptiness. The weight of the head on my laps, the stains of his blood on my clothes did nothing. I wanted to scream, to shout, to cry but, I couldn't. The moment I saw us in the mirror and grasped. I was sitting with his body on the floor and head on my lap. My face portrayed nothing, my hair tangled, blood surrounded us. The first that I felt was desire - to dive into the colour of his chocolate eyes, to feel what it is like to hear his voice. Then after what felt like an eternity, I realized that he is gone away. I could never tease or get teased, play randomly, hide a phone at night from mum. He was the one who made me who I am, the one who shaped my liking, the one who expand my knowledge. He taught me the two most amazing skills- tolerance and ignorance. He was my brother.
From that day, I stopped smiling, stopped laughing, stopped getting angry or annoyed. The world felt blank and not black. To me, black also felt something significant. Some people moved on, some stayed, some converted into motivation. I couldn't stand or walk. I got lost in his memories. Some said that he wouldn't have wanted this, a sad smile appears on my face but not for long, all I say is " I KNOW ". My eyes, if someone had noticed or even cared to, would know the answer and meaning behind those words. I know he would feel bad. I want him to. If he has a problem, he has to come to me and say it. Tell me to stop and change.
I don't want to share the smile I gave, the jokes between us. I don't ever want these memories to go away or be shared. That belongs only to us.
I love you, my brother, as much as I hate you.
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